pretty flowers and walking together

First off, an overly nerdy moment for your amusement. I just want to share that I am monster excited about the new Welcome to Night Vale book that is coming out next month! I am finally caught up on the podcast and cannot seem to help being drawn in and becoming the tiniest bit obsessive. If you have not yet checked out the Welcome to Night Vale podcast and you are into weird, quirky delightfulness, you should completely give it a listen (making sure to start at the beginning). You can learn more about them at their website here.

Next, I am certain you are getting a bit bored with bracelets. So, this week, you get flowers. Carnations and morning glories to be precise.
The pattern for this one is Carnations by Lesley Stanfield, and can be found in the book 100 Flowers to Knit & Crochet (purchasable on Amazon here). They were fun and quick to make. I think they turned out pretty well.

The pattern for your second floral treat is Morning Glory by Lesley Stanfield (in the same book as above). It was not without hiccups. Had a bit of trouble with the leaf, but I think it turned out alright in the end. I was weirdly productive on small projects this week. I needed something to occupy my mind.

 So, I've got to tell you, I'm having a bit of a time with gentleness and self control this week. I've lost my temper and yelled more than I am proud of. I have been so frustrated, not only with the situations at hand, but also with my responses to them. The worst part is that I cannot seem to reach into those moments and get a hold of myself and my behavior. I find myself regretful over my choices again and again. While nothing seriously horrible has happened, I find myself reacting as though the world is ending just to spite me. And I am unsure as to why I feel this way. I find myself feeling more and more irritated and frustrated the more I am not listened to. I do not feel heard or respected or valued in those moments. I know that everyone feels this way occasionally, but it feels significantly more personal than it is. I know these situations are completely normal, but that does not stop me from wanting to scream and cry and behave in a way that is not befitting my age. It is embarrassing to think about after the fact.

I was thinking more about this last night, after a particularly embarrassing tantrum on my part, and it occurred to me what at least part of my problem was. I have very distinctly been trying to handle these situations on my own. Assuring myself that I've got this when I obviously don't. Having been thinking on how we are not meant to do anything alone but with help from God all summer, I seem to be even worse at self reliance than I was before. I have not asked for guidance or help or clarity or anything in over a week. And it shows plainly in my day to day life. I have, once again, completely failed at faith. This realization is heart wrenching, just as it is every single time.

I must say, I do not honestly know how to rectify my failure. I need guidance, and don't know how to ask for it. I feel deeply that I do not deserve any more chances. And in thinking that thought, I am reminded of something from the bible study we so recently finished. "He fully expects out betrayal, our failure, our continual falling short. If we'd been capable of solving our own problems, staying faithful and keeping the law - if we'd been capable of perfection - he wouldn't have come. He wouldn't have died." Saying I do not deserve another chance suddenly feels like throwing His sacrifice back in His face. As disheartening as it is that He has always known we will continue to fail, it is beyond encouraging that He planned ahead for that and gives us the opportunity to keep trying. I want to do better. I do. However, I cannot do that on my own. While a good deal of the work required is for me to do, I am not alone in doing it. I can't be. It simply doesn't work that way.

I know this has sounded a bit whiny. I needed to tell you though. Or perhaps I just needed to work it all out in writing. Either way, thank you for bearing with me on this one. It has been a rough week. I'm sure I'm not the only one that needs the reminder every so often.

All that to say, no matter our failures, it is my hope that we believe we are worth the second chance we are given. That we may embrace the knowledge that He wants to help us, no matter the size of the struggle. That we will allow Him to hold us close in our despair, love us in our brokenness, and pour His gentleness, overflowing, into our hearts.

Shifting seasons and all that goes with them

It has been a weird kind of week for me. Adjusting to some newly formed free time on my own, which is wonderful if not a tad strange as yet. I've got significantly more knitting time, which is super exciting.

I did complete yet another bracelet. Yes, I'm aware that I've developed a bit of a problem on this front. No, I don't intend to rectify it any time soon. Here it is. The first of a set of at least a dozen pink ribbands.

Still using the same pattern entitled Ribband by Laura Nelkin, which can still be found here and on Ravelry here. I'm making them for our table's participants at Bunco for Breast Cancer. With a theme like "Once Upon a Time," I figure that every lady (in waiting or otherwise) needs some small fairy tale jewels in her arsenal. I'm quite excited about them. They will be made in a variety of lengths to accommodate all potential sizes needed. Should have them done in plenty of time.

I'm really sorry if you don't enjoy seeing the same pattern presented over and over again. There will be a bit more variety soon. Different, larger items take more time to complete (such a drag), so I wanted to at least have something else to show you each week between other things.

As something to look forward to, I'm about to get started on a sweater, a scarf, and a few other little cuties for Christmas. There will also be a number of baby items for some expecting mamas (so many pregnant friends right now!). There will probably be a few other little doodads along the way as well (not bracelets, I promise).

Anyway, as we swing closer to fall and the end of the year, I would like to encourage you to continue pressing forward faithfully and striving for active gentleness. We get so busy in the fall. Between school activities, various sporting pursuits, and the general craziness of ever changing schedules, it is amazing we do not all continuously explode at one another and lose all sight of everything that is so good in this world we currently reside in.

Just this morning, I saw myself from what felt like a great distance snap away from the gentleness I've been working so hard at cultivating. As I watched myself take more steps backward than forward on that particular journey, I was again reminded clearly that I am incapable of handling everything on my own. I watched myself struggle for complete control of the situation, failing miserably to grasp it. It was not until I changed tactics completely just before leaving the house that calm and order were truly restored. Seeing the near instantaneous transformation of all moods involved, it was nothing short of miraculous. It was,without a doubt, not my doing. I am certain that God stepped in to remind me that He's got this, that I am not alone in any endeavor. What headache and heartache I could have saved myself had I simply remembered to be truly gentle and trusting! Hopefully, this rare glimpse of what should always be will stick with me and encourage me to active gentleness in the future.

All that to say, while the ever changing seasons and situations continue in their course, it is my hope that we are also ever changing for the better. That we may see clearly what is happening and the path we should choose. That we will remember that God is here with us and wants us to trust Him with everything, no matter the size.

I may have a problem...

So, last week I shared a couple pictures of the bracelet that I made. I may have made another one this week. I may have also purchased the beads and toggles for a few more...
I may have a problem...
They are so quick to make and they turn out so well. I can't seem to help myself and I'm not sure I want to. Here's the new one.

I know. It is the same bead mix...and yarn... but the toggle is different! Anyway, her birthday is now covered, so that's good. You can find the pattern (Ribband by Laura Nelkin) here or on Ravelry here.

Oh! I also finished another item on the list for Christmas this year. Two down, four or five to go! Hey, a step forward is a step forward, regardless of the size of the step. I'm pleased. There will be a large post after Christmas with pictures and pattern information for all the things, so get excited about that. I love checking things off that list all year long. It is my favorite way to wrap my family and friends in love.

It has been a bit of a crazy week. We finished our bible study (you should completely consider looking into it here) on monday, which left me sad. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know all the ladies that participated, and will miss the camaraderie and discussion and support that we shared. I hope that we will still be able to share in our struggles and joys together as the days go by.

The final fruit of the spirit discussed was self control. The video from this week had several points that were not things I had personally considered before in connection with self control. All the way through the summer, it was continuously reemphasized that the fruits of the spirit are not about us. They are about God. We cannot hope to achieve any of the fruits on our own, which is both a complete relief and a serious lesson in humility all at once. He knows we will fail. He wouldn't have come and died if he didn't.
Self control is no different. The question that struck me deepest from this was "what would it take to turn self control into spirit control?" What would it take? To give the Spirit the control I work so desperately for on a daily basis? I am unsure and utterly terrified. For me, self control has always been something that I was supposed to be in charge of, and wasn't supposed to rely on anyone or anything else. Self reliance is far more comforting than surrender, no matter how much harder I fall on my face under my own power. However, with this question ringing in my mind this week, the self in self control feels truly misleading. The video brought the idea that it would look like a shift from 'I don't want to do these things' to 'I want to do things of the Lord.'" Replacing a situation/addiction/whatever that bears negative connotations with God-centered thoughts/feelings/actions? Maybe? Perhaps it is a shift in attitude or perspective? Still not wanting to do these things (whatever they may be), but feeling a greater desire to do the things of God instead.

That probably doesn't begin to cover it or phrase it properly, but it is the best I can do at the moment. I am certain that that shift will be a process that won't happen without work and faith and patience, all of which present their own challenges.

All that to say, while we check off our lists and take steps forward and backward, it is my hope that we remember that we aren't meant to do any of it on our own. That we may keep walking, pressing forward with His help and desiring spirit control. That we will look to surrender for strength instead of to ourselves.

Sweet Little Project

First, I am super excited about the quick little project I did this week. I think it came out well for a first try. I'll probably tweak a couple aspects of it next time (needle size, length). The pattern I used is Ribband by Laura Nelkin. You can find it here or on Ravelry here. Really pleased with it and cannot wait to make more.

So, I was working on a scarf the other day. It is, in my opinion, classic and simple. An excellent design all the way through. Nice, wide, easy going cables. I'll post a link to the pattern later. Anyway, working on this scarf, when i look down at previous rows. Oh dear. Around ten rows back, I had crossed the cable in the wrong direction. Now, my first reaction was to ignore the mistake and keep going. No one had to know and no one was likely to notice except for me. Then, I held it up to look at more of the scarf than just the mistake. Oh dear. Crossing the cable the wrong way made about five inches of scarf fold in on itself. Eww. Now, while this was still not really all that big of a deal, it just didn't sit well with me. After all, I do care about the recipient a good deal. I want it to be done properly. So, I spent the next hour and a half tinking (undoing the rows stitch by stitch) eleven rows. I got it backed up far enough that I could be completely certain that that particular cable was executed properly. I have subsequently been more watchful of every cable cross since.

It may sound odd, but this event has caused me to look more carefully at other aspects of my life and the mistakes that cannot be so easily tinked back. Every action, every word, every thought even. If I were to be more watchful over the words I choose in every situation, how would that affect those around me? If I were more thoughtful in my actions before they occur, how would that change the situation itself? If I actively work at having more positive attitude and fewer bitter or judgmental thoughts in reaction to outside stimuli, would my actions and words reflect that and result in a more gentle spirit all the way around? I certainly hope it would.

We discussed gentleness in the bible study I've been a part of this summer (along with the other fruits of the spirit) this week. It made the specific point that gentleness does not mean timid or a lack of boldness. It does not mean always being a door mat. It is more along the lines of being careful to not be harsh and severe with the world around you, to consciously choose non-combative speech. It is genuine care without ulterior motives.
The study asked "What does an active gentleness look like?"
Here's what I think it should look like:

• being helpful without condescension
• being loving without inspiring guilt
• being patient without inspiring self-doubt
• being passionate with being off putting
• listening carefully and caringly
• being genuine in all things

Do not hear me say that I've got this down. I don't. However, I do feel convicted to actively pursue a spirit of active gentleness. I know I've got a long way to go.

Anyway, all that to say, it is my hope that we can strive to be watchful over our thoughts, actions, and words. That we may do things properly, whatever they may be. That we will be actively gentle.

Casting On

Well, hello there.

You'll have to bare with me here, as I'm still figuring out exactly what it is that I want to tell the world. After all, everyone wants to contribute to this great experiment that is life on this planet. I simply want to be sure that what I end up putting out there is worth the time required to read it. It probably won't be anything new as I'm not sure there is anything truly new left to say. I do hope that you go on from here with another angle from which to view the world.

I suppose I should start with a little about myself. That will, if nothing else, give you some idea of what you be in for. You are highly likely to read about all of these things. I do hope you don't mind being the victim of obsessive, excitable, occasionally despondent, relatively thoughtful ramblings on any combination of items on the following list.

1. I love to knit. You will definitely hear about my projects and most likely see pictures of them.
2. I love video games and board games and card games... you get the idea.
3. I'm a nerd. I love things like Doctor Who, Firefly, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and Fruits Basket.
4. I never saw the need to out grow cartoons like Kim Possible, Fairly Odd Parents, Magic School Bus, or Duck Tales.
5. I'm a Christian and I'm still in the process of figuring out what that means for daily life.

I am also the first to admit that I am not an expert on any of the things I love and will probably be guilty of misspeaking about those things on occasion (no matter how much research i manage to do). After all, I am human. Just like you.

So, brief introduction made, I hope you'll return to share with me in life's grand adventure, regardless of the geek factor and often awkward moments where I'm unsure how much sense I'm managing to make. Here we go, casting on yet another project...