Next, I am certain you are getting a bit bored with bracelets. So, this week, you get flowers. Carnations and morning glories to be precise.
The pattern for this one is Carnations by Lesley Stanfield, and can be found in the book 100 Flowers to Knit & Crochet (purchasable on Amazon here). They were fun and quick to make. I think they turned out pretty well.
The pattern for your second floral treat is Morning Glory by Lesley Stanfield (in the same book as above). It was not without hiccups. Had a bit of trouble with the leaf, but I think it turned out alright in the end. I was weirdly productive on small projects this week. I needed something to occupy my mind.
So, I've got to tell you, I'm having a bit of a time with gentleness and self control this week. I've lost my temper and yelled more than I am proud of. I have been so frustrated, not only with the situations at hand, but also with my responses to them. The worst part is that I cannot seem to reach into those moments and get a hold of myself and my behavior. I find myself regretful over my choices again and again. While nothing seriously horrible has happened, I find myself reacting as though the world is ending just to spite me. And I am unsure as to why I feel this way. I find myself feeling more and more irritated and frustrated the more I am not listened to. I do not feel heard or respected or valued in those moments. I know that everyone feels this way occasionally, but it feels significantly more personal than it is. I know these situations are completely normal, but that does not stop me from wanting to scream and cry and behave in a way that is not befitting my age. It is embarrassing to think about after the fact.
I was thinking more about this last night, after a particularly embarrassing tantrum on my part, and it occurred to me what at least part of my problem was. I have very distinctly been trying to handle these situations on my own. Assuring myself that I've got this when I obviously don't. Having been thinking on how we are not meant to do anything alone but with help from God all summer, I seem to be even worse at self reliance than I was before. I have not asked for guidance or help or clarity or anything in over a week. And it shows plainly in my day to day life. I have, once again, completely failed at faith. This realization is heart wrenching, just as it is every single time.
I must say, I do not honestly know how to rectify my failure. I need guidance, and don't know how to ask for it. I feel deeply that I do not deserve any more chances. And in thinking that thought, I am reminded of something from the bible study we so recently finished. "He fully expects out betrayal, our failure, our continual falling short. If we'd been capable of solving our own problems, staying faithful and keeping the law - if we'd been capable of perfection - he wouldn't have come. He wouldn't have died." Saying I do not deserve another chance suddenly feels like throwing His sacrifice back in His face. As disheartening as it is that He has always known we will continue to fail, it is beyond encouraging that He planned ahead for that and gives us the opportunity to keep trying. I want to do better. I do. However, I cannot do that on my own. While a good deal of the work required is for me to do, I am not alone in doing it. I can't be. It simply doesn't work that way.
I know this has sounded a bit whiny. I needed to tell you though. Or perhaps I just needed to work it all out in writing. Either way, thank you for bearing with me on this one. It has been a rough week. I'm sure I'm not the only one that needs the reminder every so often.
All that to say, no matter our failures, it is my hope that we believe we are worth the second chance we are given. That we may embrace the knowledge that He wants to help us, no matter the size of the struggle. That we will allow Him to hold us close in our despair, love us in our brokenness, and pour His gentleness, overflowing, into our hearts.
